Part 2 in the Connection vs Attachment series.
This post honestly explores natural feelings of insecurity and jealousy, and walks through the thickets of attachments into the clearing of connection.
Ever bristled when you see your partner talking with an attractive stranger? Become tense at the the thought of their one-on-one time with their long-time friend of the opposite sex? Everyone gets like this at least to some extent. It's okay, it's natural, and it's a really good entry point for inner inquiry.
I admit it. Sometimes I find the idea in my head that I want to be *super* special to someone. That we could share a closeness and a tunnel vision-unbreakable-time and reality-bending love for each other, a connection intricate and strong, like the love of Albatross, the world's only truly monogamous animal (they choose their mate based on who can perfectly mimic their intricate courting dance). I find myself wishing that for someone, I were the one and only woman they could possibly have feelings for.
Cue the question: "Is this connection or attachment?" Do I really want that in real life? Is it possible that its appeal fades once outside the pristine realm of my imagination? And could it be that I concocted this idea because I actually deeply fear the grief of betrayal, or the potential shame and anguish of feeling I'm no longer loved? Is it a reach for a sense of power? Could it be that actually I just want to protect myself from being hurt? And could it be that idealistic notions about love hold us back from enjoying the beauty and authenticity of the imperfect, nuanced love that happens between intrinsically flawed and not exactly monogamous-by-nature humans?
Everyone is vulnerable to the fantasies, anxieties, and attachments that come with loving someone. The fear of being hurt can and often does hold us back from something deeper and can even end relationships. But really, no expression of love, whether small or vast, is comparable to another in the first place. Love is not relative. It is unique and it upholds itself. Love is not compromised by other expressions of love. The question that sometimes arises about whose love is more special than whose is constructed by our insecurities and is an unsound foundation for any relationship.
I'd always say after a breakup, "But nobody is like them. I can never love like that again." It was true, and it was also eventually followed by me falling in love with someone else. See, I couldn't love quite like that again--because that person was unique and our relationship was unique. The precious moments could never be repeated. And the next love would have its particular qualities and its precious exchanges. Does new love invalidate the love I felt before? Not at all. Does past love dilute my present love? Not at all. It's sort of like how my love for one singer's voice does not take away from my love for another singer's voice. How could it?
Only when our insecurities and attachments get involved does a past relationship damage a present love. For example, if a person dangles a past "love" in front of their present partner as a proclamation of desirability and a way to trigger jealousy. When this happens the person trying to make their partner see their desirability and worth is not truly drawing from past love to enhance their power--they are simply winding the chains of their present attachments around themself and dragging their partner in. If you find yourself in any way trying to make your partner feel inferior, or as though they have competition, stop for a second. Will this serve your relationship? This tendency is common. Humans get weird around love and self-protection, because we are so scared of getting hurt or let down. When we reach for our weapons and chains, we wind up burdened with attachments rather than lightened and deepened by connections. Then, even if we are in a relationship, we feel alone.
Attachments make a mess of things. Connection, handled with care and sincerity, need not stir up trouble, though it often does when it is met with attachments. Something to remind ourselves is that love is not the exception. Love is the rule. Some people take it *very* personally when someone is attracted to them, and think "I am the special one." You are not, haha. That person could have a loving, successful relationship with many different people. When we open to others sincerely, share experiences together, and become intimate, of course love arise, in one form or another. We can't expect to be the "one and only" or to have some kind of magical "albatross love" because we're human. It is the deciding to be with one person despite other existing or potential meaningful connections that makes a relationship significant. Human commitment requires sacrifices, and we have to decide for ourselves if those sacrifices are worthwhile.
Every connection is unique, and like love, upholds itself through its specific qualities. We get insecure when we discover that our partner is getting something from someone that they aren't getting from us, whether that's emotional resonance, intellectual stimulation, play, growth, etc. But aren't these beautiful things? Don't you wish for your partner to be happy and well? One person cannot and should not offer everything to their partner. One connection does not undermine other connections.
Connection is not a limited resource. Time? Energy? Yes--those are limited resources that we offer first to the ones we have found ourselves in love with or committed to. These are worth disputing. But connection itself is not threatened by other connections. If another person makes our partner feel whole, inspired, or cared for, our partner is going to be in better shape to offer us what we need too. A foundation of trust and communication helps us make way for connection.
Even if your partner connects beautifully and sincerely with someone else and decides to leave you--it either means something wasn't working in your relationship, or something simply clicked better between them. If it's sincere love, it's best to let your partner leave you and let that happen, even if it devastates you. If they are chasing after attachments, you're better off letting that person run off anyway--they will probably just do this again and again, making a mess of things by mistaking attachment for connection.
Every partnership requires its own ongoing discussion of terms and boundaries. We're all nuanced, imperfect, conflicted, and multi-dimensional. But if we are really open, honest, and trusting with our partners, understandings over matters like friends of the opposite sex and exes only bring us so much closer together--plus, its not just fulfilling and connective to give and receive respect and trust, it's also sexy. And don't we all want that? ;)
Most of all, though many of us have forgotten: we all want to feel genuinely loved, and love can take a wide wide variety of forms. It doesn't need to be forced to be a certain way--can't we just accept it as it comes?
Photo: Wandering Albatross by Ed Dunens